letitgo.ca

AUTHENTICITY 

Releasing from the constraints of childhood 

At fifteen, my mother was faced with many extra social challenges. An unwed teen in a small, 1950’s Midwestern town, she needed me to be a very well-behaved little boy. I now know that my mom was doing her best in the difficult cultural circumstances in which she found herself. In essence, she and I were kids growing up together.

When I reflect on the realities she faced – she was the shining star in her family with so much potential pinned to her rise into adulthood – it wouldn’t surprise me if shadowy voices permeated the inner lining of the nine-month gestation leading up to my birth, whispering to her that a termination of this pregnancy was the only thing that stood in the way between her and the public recitals she was forced to give up. At fourteen, she was already an accomplished concert pianist. 

Thinking back on her circumstances, I feel so much gratitude just to be here. These core, compelling feelings go back as far as I can remember: “Thanks, mom. I’m so glad to be here. Thank you for your sacrifice.” 

It’s only been in my gradual awakening into full adult consciousness that I can begin to see the parallel sacrifices that were, indirectly, asked of me. Mom had me performing tricks at an early age, tricks that impressed people. By age eight, I understood that whenever we went out to a restaurant, I was expected to dutifully pull her chair out for her and wait for her to be seated. It was also my job throughout my childhood to help her with her coat, whether coming or going. I’d carry anything that would otherwise be her burden to bear: shopping bags, the trash, whatever was in her hands I’d either relieve her of it, or anticipate it before I even got a signal. I was her unflinching doorman too, scurrying to reach the obstacle before she did, holding it open, and closing it after her; the pint-sized gentleman attending to the lady. 

At home, too, I was methodically groomed for household tasks like clearing and cleaning the dishes as soon as a meal ended. This went along without a glitch until a few years later when my mother married an Italian man who came with a large, Italian family. Visiting them in their native country when I was 11 or 12 years old, I assumed my usual behavior after a family meal one evening and was startled and shamed when one of the older males grabbed the silverware I was drying from my hands, hurled it across the room, and irately shouted a string of phrases in Italian. I couldn’t understand his message at the time but later learned it was a stinging accusation that I was being turned into a girl. 

For the most part, those around us in public settings promptly noticed and favorably commented on my exemplary manners. This was, I’m sure, precisely the effect my mother was aiming for: positive approval and attention. A swath of social ease and good graces that could glide us in and out of any public setting and not hinder her from the modified pathways her life would have to take, now that there was a child in tow. In the process, I won her approval, which is all I wanted. I was rewarded with love for being good. The degree of recognition I received from her came in direct proportion to the degree of polished finesse in my performance. I learned early that there would be no reward for anything that might be experienced as troublesome or socially embarrassing. Succeeding at this stage of life was about as far away from ‘authentic’ as a little boy could be. 

That impeccable little boy is still alive and well… 

A good distance through a lifetime now, that impeccable little boy is still alive and well, defaulting at unpredictable times to manoeuvres crafted to win love and approval for being ‘good’: when it matters and in whatever way the situation calls for. It’s often very subtle. Regardless, I don’t like it. I experience this inner protocol as an oppressive restriction. Yet, like the trained accomplice I was as a child, I still possess the skillful ease and muscle memory that allows me to slide seamlessly back into performance mode. Like a trained athlete, my insides just know how to do this. It’s almost automatic. 

The thing about this type of early training is that it makes self-esteem dependent on someone else’s approval. I see the insatiable work ethic involved: the doses of it must be replenished again and again. In the aftermath of one of my adult performances, there is the resulting applause (my efforts are still remarkably first-rate) and a warm glow that lasts for a while. The actor basks in the nourishing rays of appreciation until the audience disperses. 

No audience? No applause. Alone, the clown returns to his tent to wash off the painted grin. Love and appreciation in these aching circumstances are just a wistful memory, echoes in an empty hall. I stand alone with it again full-force: the need for the next fix of approval. A never-ending hamster wheel and I’m the furry, wide-eyed creature, running endlessly for my very survival. 

It’s not quite that desperate, of course, yet I can readily admit that this runs very deep in me. I surmise that at some level I hold on for dear life to an inner belief that what others think is important and true and that ultimately they know more about me than I do. My adult mind can acknowledge that there has been under-development of my own inner voice. I can witness with empathy my avoidance of potential socially-awkward circumstances by ignoring or starving or dismissing the very substance of my individuality. 

This training has been my basis of operation for six decades. Also woven into the tapestry, I now see, were sturdy threads of reinforcement supplied by the patriarchal, North American culture I grew up in and that surrounds me still. I can now see that as I came of age and moved into my professional life, this too was not hurt by my grassroots disease-to-please. For the majority of my adult life I experienced the rewards and satisfaction of a successful career in photography. I transferred my hat of self-worth and esteem and hung it there. I experienced deep fulfillment throughout my career, in which I worked hard and received ample recognition for a job well done. 

Is there someplace deeper? What would this look and feel like? 

Now that I am retired, I can no longer identify myself with that mantle. Nor, for that matter, with the role of father (another vocation I adored), now that the kids are grown. At this time of later midlife I find myself facing deeper issues of what it means to be a man and to show up ‘naked’ in relationship, without the adornments of a role. More than at earlier times in my life, I find myself nudged by insecurities and issues of self-worth, asking myself: is there something deeper, a place where I might find ease and comfort in being myself? What would this look and feel like? Success in the world did not give me the wherewithal to be an authentic and courageous partner in relationship, with another or myself. 

I’m sure my mother would approve of my more recent efforts to find an authentic voice! Regardless, as I see it, my personal freedom is here to be claimed; it can’t be given to me from someone else. This brings 

me to a crossroads, one that I know I could easily turn into an exercise of achieving a different set of goals. My past experience affirms that it can feel great to set and achieve goals. 

Rather than setting new goals, it’s more of a letting go that’s needed 

But in this quest for healthy self-esteem, what I am most interested in exploring is that which was added on in my earliest relationship with the world around me. Namely, the unhelpful drives and desires that can take over and turn people, situations, and objects into opportunities to win approval. These inner motivational factors color the circumstances with constraining strategies, marching orders that prevent me from perceiving what is actually transpiring and rob me of the spaciousness to respond in accordance with my authentic self. I am beginning to see that rather than setting new goals to aim for, it’s more a letting go that is needed so that natural authenticity is no longer being covered up by an artificial layer or imposed operating system. 

For example, in my intimate relationship I can become aware of the times in our interactions when the deepest root of my motivation is for my partner to make me happy. When I am under that spell, I am not fully available to consider her happiness. It’s really all about me. I’m like, “Okay, I’ll try to give you what I think you need as long as I can get some happiness out of it too.” It’s rather twisted in that, within this mindset, I’m not even able to give my partner whatever it is that I want her to give to me! I’m holding an underlying motive of wanting to be fed the sustenance of happiness or approval and this infuses and influences my every action, preventing me from seeing more clearly what the relationship and my partner actually need or might benefit from in the moment. At the same time, I’m continuing to unconsciously reinforce a belief that my sense of happiness is more an outside job than an inside job. This sustains an internal ‘bank account’ reality wherein happiness can be added or deducted from my ledger by someone else, without my consent. It’s a very convoluted and nuanced dance. 

My partner, like me, wants to be deeply seen and heard. How can I really be there for her: see her, hear her, receive her if I’m looking through a lens of wanting something from her? I’m not present, openly addressing the needs of this unique moment, when my wanting is there adding gravity to the situation. It isn’t clean. It creates an invisible but palpable tension, a push and pull between what I want and what actually might lovingly meet and/or resolve the situation. 

Even if it it’s a tall order to aim for, my current working hypothesis is this: if I can release my well-oiled impulses to obtain a particular outcome from a person, relationship, or other set of circumstances in life, then I am going to be more able to see and appreciate them for who and what they are. I will be loosened from the grip of perceiving them in terms of what I want to get from them. To the extent that I am able to let go of wanting something from them, I am free to release any dependence on them for my own happiness. Everything is cleaner. I am available to address the circumstances at hand, to the best of my ability and for its own practical purposes. The situation is no longer muddied up with the inky shadows of wanting accolades, or any predetermined experience of happiness. 

If I extend this limiting orientation of pursuing or seeing the world in terms of what “I” want, it seeps outward in never-ending arcs into a habitual way of relating to non-human entities too, reducing them to a means towards my ends or rendering them essentially invisible. Lost or diminished to me is the simple, innocent wonder in everyday opportunities: noticing an individual tree, observing an animal, feeling the surface and weight of a stone in my palm, connecting with the energies of my home and community, honoring the balance in a stream, the rhythm of the cosmos, or the delicate intricacies of 

life here on earth. These precious experiences can remain unseen, unfelt, or un-witnessed in any meaningful way. They are passed over. 

These are the questions I am living into these days: 

– Can I increasingly come from a wholesome place rather than a wanting, needy place? 

– Can I learn to locate this place of wholeness within myself and – from there – do what needs to be done cleanly, without a sliding-scale degree of repercussion to my partner for not giving me that which only I can give to myself? 

– How can I become familiar with the textures of wholesomeness: the fullness of ‘having’ instead of the aching and empty yearning of ‘wanting’? 

– Is there a place I can locate within my sense of self that doesn’t give a hoot about someone else’s opinion? 

– Are there places within myself that are not ‘conditional’, that can’t ever be taken away from me without my permission? 

– Can I increasingly find ways to be with another and not need anything from them, simply honoring their presence? Just being present for the sake of being present? 

– What in essence does it look and feel like, to arrive at my own authenticity, including overcoming or seeing all the way through my early conditioning of seeking ‘out there’ for love, approval, and happiness from others? 

– Is it possible that all my looking for approval and happiness outside myself was actually preventing me from finding contentment and sense of wholeness? 

– Is wholeness and contentment always, already here when I tune in to experience it? 

As I experiment with this line of inquiry through mindfulness, meditation, and releasing practices, I am bearing witness to the dawning realization that stepping into my authenticity is no more and no less than giving whole-hearted recognition to my intrinsic worthiness. I tenderly reassure that inner little boy that he is enough, just as he is. To the adult male within, I similarly reinforce generous permission to not need to do anything – period, full stop, not one thing – for the purpose of being approved of. 

So why not fully arrive here and now, right now? 

I’ve come to the realization that all of my seeking inevitably and unfailingly returns me to the here and now of the present moment. We can follow endless journeys up and down narrow mountains trails, graduate with honors from a multitude of trainings, and develop demonstrable proficiency in a vast array of skills. In the end, we still end up in yet another moment of here and now. 

So why not fully arrive here and now, right now? If I can be content in the moment with things just as they are, then I am including myself – as myself – in the equation. I can grant myself the benefit of the doubt that I will do just the right thing, minus the confusion and unproductive energy of striving for anything at all, even joy or happiness! I can release, as many times and in as many ways as the moment reveals is necessary, all impulses in the direction of something or someone else delivering any goods at all. I’m available to fully show up and be response-able. Instead of anticipating who or what or how I should be, I can await real feedback and then adjust as I see fit. The result is a cleaner, more streamlined way of living with ample room for latitude and creativity. 

As I take all of this into consideration, I arrive at an inner experience of happiness arising, with gratitude, from the understanding that it’s never too late to be freed up from the constraints of childhood! 

Two releases to practice, alone or with a partner: 

Instructions: A simple way to begin the process of releasing is to sit down comfortably for a few minutes, away from interruptions. Read through the release sequence, leaving sufficient space for yourself to follow the suggestions in each step. Another way is to make a simple recording using your cell phone or other recording device, leaving space between the recorded sentences, so you can take more time and be guided in the experience. 

Welcoming the feel of wanting –Once you are in a relaxed posture and state of mind, allow yourself to bring to mind any memories or feelings of wanting approval. See if you can recall a specific situation when you remember wanting approval from someone, or a time when you wanted to look good or be impressive, or just conjure up the general feeling of wanting. 

When you have access to these feelings and/or sensations, allow yourself to simply notice what it’s like to want this kind of approval. However you experience it, as a grasping or needy feeling, or some kind of concern for how people think of you, use your own direct experience of the feeling for this simple process. 

Allow yourself to just notice these feelings and to let them simply be there, without shying away from them or needing to change them in any way. Stay with this accepting presence for a few moments. 

Now simply let these contents go. 

Just drop them. Not pushing them away, yet allowing them to go. 

Notice that in this moment, you have the ability to bring this experience into existence and you also have the ability to release it. 

Repeat this simple release process. Go through the sequence a second time. 

Is there any way, even in a small amount, that you could you welcome the sense of wanting approval? 

Let the feelings be there. 

And then, just let them go. 

When our underlying motivation is for approval, we feel as if the feeling of lack or yearning is who we are. Completely wrapped up in it, we can’t see that it’s an added-on layer that obscures who we really are. When we just notice the feelings with curiosity and acceptance, we are creating a little distance between the feeling, and who or what within us is aware of the feeling. When we can look at the feeling with some space around it, we are no longer the feeling itself but the looker, the one that sees and experiences the feeling. This in itself is a big release! 

Getting beyond ‘enslavement’ – Every day, we surrender ourselves to all sorts of forces, real or imagined, based on the experience of thinking or feeling that we have no choice, or based on an adaptive, underlying motivation rooted in a belief that it is safer to surrender our power to other people or things than to be in full charge of ourselves. The thing is, without awareness of why we do what we 

do, we usually end up feeling the victim to whatever or whoever we experience as ‘enslaving us’. This builds tension, resentment, and dis-ease in our experience of day-to-day life. 

In this release we will begin to learn how to take our power back. 

Create some private and quiet time for yourself to check in and take stock of your life to date, bringing to mind one or more times or situations where you gave your power away to people or circumstances. Can you see ways in which you are the one who gave your power away? 

Can you see what led up to this giving-away, or how this pattern became established in your life? 

If you can begin to get a glimpse of this, then you are already on the road to claiming your power back to yourself. 

You can accelerate this process by simply asking yourself, “Do I still want to give my power away to this person or situation? Does it serve me to do so? How? And if it does, what are the personal costs or downsides of these perceived benefits?” 

The very act of exploring the dynamics of these aspects of your life begins to loosen the threads in the knot, allowing more space for clarity, freedom, and self-responsibility in your actions and reactions. 

A meditation on ‘now’ 

Set aside a few quiet moments without interruptions and get comfortable in a supported, seated position. 

Without going into the past or the future, notice what is here now. 

There may be sensations, feelings, or thoughts arising but just notice how, if you don’t engage with them, they pass on by like metaphorical clouds in a vast sky. 

Experiment with this. Don’t focus on individual clouds; focus on the big and quiet sky in the background in which they float. 

Notice with curiosity this field of awareness that all things arise in or from. 

Does this awareness need anything? Or does it feel complete and content as it is? 

Allow yourself to be that awareness. 

Notice what it’s like to be that vast sky of awareness. 

The mind will protest, pointing to some more concrete existence like, “I am a body/mind.” 

If this occurs, ask yourself and explore as to whether you are the body/mind, or that which is aware of the body mind? 

Stay with this line of inquiry. Your mind may want to wiggle out from under this inquiry or distract you with ‘more important’ thoughts. 

You already always are that open field of awareness that has no boundary or edge. But don’t rely on my words to trust that this is so. Check into this for yourself as you sit and breathe and notice what is actually going on inside your inner reality. 

If thoughts or feelings come up, as they always will, just notice the field of Awareness they are arising within and allow yourself to just be with all of this. 

As you rest into this spaciousness more and more, what does it feel like? 

Do you have any sense of contentment, as your thoughts drop away and there is space to just BE? 

Michael McPherson

Edited by Barbara Taylor

(thanks Barbara)